Sources of love
by Clover Long Kase
Summary: Shinji decides to move to a new apartment after Misato has seen him masturbate, and they both discuss on a balcony about not-so-important topics, such as love. Beginning of a story coming of age teenager, sex and weed in the beautiful city of Tokyo 3. Start after the visit to the Kaji aquarium in Rebuild of Evangelion.


**Author's Notes**: This is my attempt at fic, basically a romantic coming-of-age; of the main characters, starting with Misato and Shinji. It is not written fluently and English is not my native language, I do not have many tricks to make it more fun to read, apart from its own plot. I hope you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer: Evangelion and his characters do not belong to me**.

**Chapter One:** New Apartment, Same old me.

-So you're asking to be moved to your own apartment? You don't want to live with Katsuragi anymore?

-That's the case, preferably, I want it to be in the same district where Misato's apartment is.

-Can you tell me the reason?

Shinji was annoyed; Basically, last night Misato found him masturbating. It is hard to say the speed with which the door was closed, and yet, both have not seen each other face to face or even said a word.

Shinji just let out a little blush.

The NERV coordinator, whose identity does not matter, asked no more questions about it and filled out the moving form.

Shinji was reassigned 2 streets away from Misato's apartment. Same situation. He knew there were 4 other tenants, but that was not easy to guess, the building has a lugubrious and dead countenance.

-This is perfect... no; This is horrible.

Deep and not so deep in his mind, Shinji knew that this was not a real problem. He knews that this problem would be solved easily in 1 or 2 days.

He is not dumb, he knows there are 2 options:

Talking to Misato about teenage hormones and how is completely normal, to which she would nod and give her sexual advice, Shinji would teach her a little bit of warmth and end up laughing, closing the subject in a mature, highly recommended way;

or; Never talk about it and do as if it never happened, highly recomended tho.

He slowly opened the door of the apartment, his apartment.

-I'm home - He told no one in particular.

The lonely environment was present to him as soon as he entered. He couldn't tell if it was a better or worse apartment than Misato's.

The order and cleanliness of the apartment was somewhat reassuring according to the boy; but he didn't feel the same without the daily routine of Misato or Asuka.

"Just because she saw me masturbating ..." he thought to himself; but, even so, he resisted the idea of simply returning to Misato.

-And what am I supposed to do now? - He approached his refrigerator and observed how it had nothing inside.

-I must go to the store... - He said with resignation.

Ignoring his own words completely, he began to walk around his new apartment, without a specific objective. The walk ended up taking him to his futon in the bedroom, and without saying anything he fell on it.

Shinji activated his walkman in a convenient song of soft and slow beats and a reassuring background; A strange mixture between lofi and vaporwave.

"Sexual desire" he thought.

Shinji experienced it. Many times. In the world there are many places where you can masturbate. The bath, your bed, the living room...

Shinji was a person who saw masturbation as an alternative to boredom. Well, like almost all teenagers. He has become familiar with the sensation of eroticism; Warm colors on a summer night, Warm Colors in a winter cabin, Cold Colors in the city center...

He has imagined himself in many of those situations with his sexual fantasies. Misato, Asuka, Rei, Ritsuko...

The wall of his room in the apartment of Misato witnessed several afternoons of boredom, with 'nothing to do' ... more than masturbating; or at least, that was what he thought.

-And now also, I'm so bored... - Fleeting thoughts went through his mind, without creating concrete ideas. Shinji just opted to get off his pants, including boxers, and tried to get seratonin.

After a few hours of just lying in bed, (and masturbating a one, maybe two times) not even falling asleep; literally lying without sleep, wanting to sleep, but not being able to; Shinji weakly moved his legs to lift him, with resignation.

His bedroom has a blindex door that led to the terrace, therefore, the beautiful but lonely, distant and even depressing afternoon entered without any problem, but if he wanted to avoid it, he had curtains.

"Evenings are always so depressing, and this unfamiliar ceiling doesn't help" he thought.

He took a shower while waiting for the afternoon light to be replaced by a starry sky when the sun went down behind the hills of Tokyo 3.

It was a calmly warm night. The lights of the busiest places in the city illuminated the horizon, to Shinji's liking. "What a beautiful night" he thought as he smiled softly.

A 24-hour store was a few blocks away from his apartment; He enjoyed going to them, they were quiet and had a good temperature.

About to pay for all his items, the corner of his eye visualized the cigarette rack. A lot of thoughts dazzled his mind in that instant. His mind was not able to create anything concrete or concrete.

-Give me 2 packs of cigarettes please.

The cashier had many problems to worry about; the boy's age is not one of it. She just said -Which one do you want? -

-The Lucky Blue- He really wasn't sure why he chose those, or why he wanted them; But he just wanted to try it.

He left the store and bags in hand, returned to his apartment, in a very warm and relaxing walk.

He left the store and bags in hand, returned to his apartment, in a very warm and relaxing walk.

"This is" he thought, "For these sensations is why i am alive" feelings of relaxation and some pleasure. That thought is very reminiscent of the philosophy of Epicurus, the Hedonist current.

Already on the balcony of the apartment, the starry sky witnessed a 14 year old boy trying to smoke. His throat was not able to swallow cigarette smoke, due to the poor amount of air the child inhaled, causing the neighbors in the apartment to ask who brought a sick donkey to live next to him.

-_Cof Cof Cof ehh ehh... _just one more time - he said before taking the next sip of his cigarette. This time, he took it more calmly, inhaled enough air; And finally, he got the first satisfactory sip of his cigarette.

-_So that's how you smoke, interesting -_He took it easy, I don't smoke more than 3 cigarettes before going to sleep. He was exalted due to doing an 'illicit' activity.

-_So that's how you smoke, interesting -_

That night, and the next five nights, Shinji slept very well...

* * *

Five days. Five days in which Shinji had done nothing but smoke, eat and sleep.

-No one came to see if I'm still alive ... meh - Shinji went to shower on another depressing afternoon of Tokyo 3.

-I guess I'll go to Misato's - He decided without going around, he was, quite frankly, very bored.

These five days he had spent listening to vaporwave and watching edits of _aesthetic _photos, so in his mind he disguised phrases like _'sorry, i was daydreaming' _or _'__you are a mistake' _while he went to Misato's. He felt nice getting lost in those thoughts as he walked.

-Shinji? -The woman said with surprise.

-Hi Misato, can I come in?

-Eh yes; Of course...

-_Thank you_...

The atmosphere was tense a few seconds before anyone said anything.

-Where is Asuka?

\- He went to Hikari's house, he is going to spend the weekend there.

...

-Why did you come back? Or rather; why did you run away like that?

-I don't know; at that moment the shame consumed me... but...

-But?...

-I think ...- His words refused to come out of his mouth; Shinji was good at being awful with himself, but he wouldn't hurt anyone if it wasn't to hurt himself.

-I think I was sick of you Misato; I thought I wanted more freedom, I assumed there is a lot of space between us...

Swallow and continued.

-When you found me '_like that_', you closed my door very quickly and locked yourself in your room... and although I died of shame, I suppose I was sad that there was so much space between us... because you fled at that time.

-What are you talking about?

-I'm talking about that; You are not emotionally close to me and that makes me sad... and I ended up running for reasons that I do not understand... After all, you just wanted me to live with you because that is what you should do, be someone good...

-Oh, my God! Do you want to leave that 'good boy who should be rewarded' character ?!

Shinji looked at her in surprise when she screamed. And he was even more surprised when she began to approach him.

-You think I brought you here because I wanted to be a good girl?! I didn't want you to suffer?! Do you really think I'm like that?!

-It's not like that?...

-No! Hell no! I brought you here because I felt so lonely Shinji.

I feel alone Shinji... your presence here helped me not to focus on my own problems, because I had someone to help... but, Shinji... -She took a break, to admit sadly - Just like you, I'm emotionally distant.

The boy's eyes had an embarrassed look down.

"She is like me"

When he talked to Kaji in the aquarium, he thought the same.

\- Sorry Misato, I didn't know you felt that way.

-You're so naive ... - But in her mind, Misato hadn't admitted everything she thought. "I also wish we were closer, that we could talk about our problems and who knows? ..." she thought guiltily.

"I can't get mad at you, I'm the one who is using you as an emotional pillar, making you pilot the EVA; living through you, you deserve a respite from someone horrible like me," he thought, as he gently stroked the boy's hair; He didn't know what to do in this situation and he just got tense.

-Misato?... -He hesitated for a while.

-Would you like... Smoke weed on the terrace?

-Smoke? WEED? YOU ARE SMOKING WEED?! WHEN YOU BEGAN TO DO IT?!

-When I started to live in my new apartment. A guy in my building let me try a little, and he sold me some more.

Shinji's confession had come from nowhere, and it wasn't that he wanted to boast; He really wanted to smoke weed.

Shinji went out to the terrace and stood with his back to the rail, while Misato stood beside him, looking at the city.

-This doesn't make you look any cooler; you know? -She asked laughing softly, without being a laugh of contempt.

-I know, I do it because, somehow... I have fun; It's not like you drinking beers, because they are refreshing or something; I don't really like how it tastes, but... I have fun smoking them, I think.

-And what do you intend to do? After smoking it, will you go back home?

-Maybe not...

Misato just stared at the beautiful Night Skyline of Tokyo 3 without thinking specifically about nothing... "I think I miss Shinji here, when he is around me, I feel less alone... like him made me feel long time ago..." She raised in her mind, referring to Kaji.

-Do you want some?

-Are you passing me the weed? Well, why not?

Misato started smoking the joint; she had already done it once in a while at the university, so it would not be difficult for her to smoke it.

_-Uh, cof, uh... It's strong... uh_ -She said while trying to handle it.

_-I know; cool, right?_

They started smoking a second joint; taking a bit while slowly getting euphoric.

-When I smoked one of these for the first time in college, I thought it would be like in those American movies, where they see clouds that speak and snakes that fly; I was a bit disappointed.

-I didn't expect any of this, but it makes me happy at times.

"Maybe, now that we are high, I can better say what I think about us," Misato thought. "But even so, I don't want to get any closer, if that means having sex, at least not yet, I want that, even though I live through him, he feels that I will also... give him love..."

Without Shinji noticing, Misato slowly took her left hand, using her right hand; When he realized, Misato was already seeing him in the eyes.

-Do you want anything from me, Shinji? I do want something from you... and I guess... you want something from me too -She said calmly, looking into Shinji's eyes. "People are not sources of love, but maybe; just maybe, it is what Shinji would want: The sad love of a sad woman who doubles her age"

Shinji's only response was to let out a slight blush on his cheeks, swallow nervously and stutter. "Love? Love? What will she be thinking?"

-Don't say anything, just let me kiss you ...

"You are going to kiss me, you are going to kiss me, WHY WILL YOU DO IT? SHE LIKES ME? LOVES ME?"

-Yes... -He said, while trying to relax his body as much as possible.

Slowly Misato contacted his lips with Shinji's, he was still scared.

The kiss was quick due to the boy's nervousness.

-Shinji, just relax... calm down...

Misato kissed him tenderly again, this time, the boy put more effort and was more willing; this kiss was slower and in a moment, Misato introduced her tongue; Shinji surprised for a moment; thanks to the caresses of Misato's hand at his own hand he relaxed. "This kiss was much better," Misato thought.

When he took off, Shinji couldn't help asking.

-Why?

-Maybe i may explain it to you one day, it may be tomorrow, it may never be, you may understand it for yourself; but, Shinji, people are sources of love.

That last confused him even more.

-It's too late Shinji, I'll go to bed; you can sleep here in the apartment ... good night. -She said with a smile before locking herself in the room.

-But why?

That night, Shinji had a mind full of thoughts, which were not fighting against an unknown roof; They were flying to a starry sky; That night, Shinji could not fall sleep...

* * *

So this is the end of the Chapter One, i want to make the second chapter about Misato and Shinji again, and then, the other characters, i don't know if this is gonna be an harem, i personally hate them, but i can make it readable in evangelion context, or i can make a shitty lemon if you want to. Please review if you like it.


End file.
